Real Talk on Relationships - Common sense ain’t so common
For those of you who don’t know, I live in Dallas, about ten minutes or so from all the Ebola craziness. At this point, I’m not scared. I’m pissed. I’m pissed at the government, the CDC, the hospital, and the health care workers. What seems to be absent in all of this insanity is COMMON SENSE. Man travels from Africa comes into your hospital, sick…Ebola? Yeah. You figure that out the 2nd time he comes in. Then you assign dozens of nurses to care for him. Makes sense. You the nurse, treat a man sick with Ebola without proper gear, then go about your life traveling on planes and cruises etc, not caring about the lives of other people. The CDC is not giving these people the proper training, protocols or equipment to deal with this disease and then releasing them to travel. The government has their finger up their butts and now appoints an “Ebola czar” who has no medical training. I mean all these things seem like the total opposite of common sense. We are living in a very stupid and very selfish society.
What has this to do with relationships? Nothing and everything. In the aftermath of this US Ebola crisis, each person/agency is pointing fingers, blaming the other person for mistakes and errors, lying about their own responsibility in the matter and being very selfish in the midst of the fallout. Sound familiar? I can attest that it sounds like the demise of a relationship and a bad breakup.
A few people I know have recently ended long term relationships. When it came to light, I breathed a sigh of relief while simultaneously praying that they wouldn’t get back together with their ex. These were folks I was not especially close to, but the relationships were such a bad match that their longevity left me scratching my head in confusion.
After talking to a friend recently about a guy she’d been “talking to”, she pointed out that even though she was attracted to him, she realized that she could not stand being around him due to his many habits she found annoying. Now don’t get me wrong, we all have flaws and such, but if being around a person for an entire day incites extreme annoyance and petty arguments, rather than joy and contentment, you may want to pass on that person. Chemistry or whatever you call it has a lot to do with it.
But y’all, how many girls and guys have we known that can’t go one hour without bickering with their bf/gf and being around them is a form of torture because they act more like fighting siblings than lovers?
So let me just put some Not So Common Sense pointers for you my single friends. Not that I’ve got the market on marital wisdom cornered, but I definitely see how these things are ignored in the dating phase and paid for in marriage. (I’m so grateful I paid attention and I’m loving marriage!)
1. Do you have compatible life goals?
There are so many people dating so many people who do not support their dreams, goals or career, yet these folks stay with that person. Ladies, if you want to have babies, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with a guy who doesn’t want children. You will be a sad 36 year old, freaking out about her expiring eggs and nagging her child-hating hubby to reconsider (true story). Don’t even think of blaming this on the man. If he told you he’s not really interested in a family and you are, then you are the one who should have ended it IMMEDIATELY. If you have aspirations for a nice house and car, yet the guy you are dating can’t hold down a job nor is he interested in moving out of his parents house, then you need to give up your desire for material things or dump his butt super fast. Don’t even get me started on religious beliefs. If you are neutral, then it doesn’t matter. If Jesus matters, then Jesus should matter in the same way to the man you date. Period.
2. Go on a road trip. Pay attention to what annoys you.
I know this one seems strange, but follow me. Spending a inordinate amount of time with the same person really brings out the best and worst in ourselves and in the other person. Add the potential stresses and complications that come with a road trip (not to mention confined spaces and boredom) and you have the perfect litmus test for marital compatibility. Forget the sexual test driving junk. You can have sex for a couple of hours a week, but you have to be in the company of your future spouse way more than your rolls in the hay. If your road trip is mostly successful with fews fights and annoyances, propose and seal the deal. If you need to be away from that person for a few days afterwards to start liking them again, rethink your future.
3. Are you constantly protecting yourself?
Do you find you are always having to look out for yourself and your interests in the relationship? Do you feel criticized or overlooked by your SO? Are you the one putting forth the effort to keep the relationship progressing? Is there a carelessness with which your bf/gf treats your heart and feelings? RED FLAG. There is a certain amount of distrust and doubt in ALL relationships, because we carry scars and baggage with us as we age. We can all be wary and fearful. But is that hesitancy warranted? Are there signs that you are not being cared for? There comes a point where we have to be all in, but when you take the leap and CHOOSE that person, they are there to CATCH you. If your bf/gf has dropped you on way too many trust falls, it’s time to move on.
Weigh in - what are some common sense pointers that we seem to ignore in romantic relationships?