I was telling me husband tonight that he’s literally my favorite person to hang out with. Most people start bugging me in some way around the 4 hour mark. We’ve been around each other almost non-stop since we got married on 11/24/14. Five months of bliss. He’s been looking for a job here in Dallas, and last week he got one. Yay!! But NO! No more non-stop hubby time. He’s put in almost 60 hrs this week and guys…it’s been torture. I’m an independent, self-sufficient woman, but kissing my husband goodbye each morning and not seeing him til late evening leaves me feeling bereft. On the bright side, getting up early has enabled me to be so productive and wifey (clean room, clean bathroom, clean kitchen, do laundry. Repeat. SHINY!).
I expressed to him this internal dichotomy going on. Loving the mornings and the niceness of alone time. Hating the mornings without him around. Loving the productivity and ability to focus on projects. Hating that I have to do things without him. Loving the domesticity of making him breakfast and lunch every morning. Hating that it means I won’t get to eat my meals with him.
The same internal war is also very evident inside of me when we have a fight. Our fights go like this:
Disagreement, ensuing conversation, my eventually getting angry while my husband stays calm and asks leading questions in order to come to a resolution. I then get frustrated by his calmness compared to my lack of calm. My rational side is completely blown away by the fact that the man I married is far better at attempting to keep communication lines open in order to work things out. My irrational side is like, “WTF?! Why are you so chill? Get away from me!” And I want to get away. I leave the room. I’ve even thrown myself ON THE BED in the guest room. I thought only chicks in movies did that. Not okay!! But then the moment I throw my little tantrum and storm out, is the same exact moment I want him to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I will externally push him away, while internally wanting him close. As I put it “I don’t want to be in the same room with you…Please hold me.”
I find this more baffling and irritating than my husband being calm while I’m in a snit. This is the female dichotomy, the one that has men shaking their heads (and women too!). I don’t understand MYSELF in these moments. I wish I could figure out why I feel two opposite emotions all at the same time. I’ve always prided myself on thinking I somehow dodged the bullet when it came to psycho female behavior. Now I think I realize, it isn’t necessarily “female behavior” but human behavior. We are not cut and dry, black and white robotic beings that experience life through a single emotion or lens. And that makes us beautiful. And awful. And mysterious. And infuriating. But nonetheless…so very human.
I will say that I am grateful for the ability to dissect these internal conflicts and that my husband is so eager to know me and hear about these dichotomies. The talking it out helps me understand myself, while allowing me to reveal my humanity to my husband…in all its opposite glory.